Insidious (Soldier)

Insidious

By Soldier

Sometimes The Black comes at us in a full-frontal assault, screaming in our face and gnashing her teeth and ready to drag us kicking and screaming into the abyss. In many ways, though this approach is more brutal and tends to leave a trail of destruction in its wake, it’s far easier to counter-strategize. It’s easier to recognize. It’s easier to manage. I prefer the direct approach from The Black. I’d much rather know what’s coming and deal with it straight up, all systems engaged and blood ready to spill than be blind-sided and find we’ve gone under without a hand raised in protest. Which is what happens when the Warlock gets involved.

This is the second approach. The insidious guerilla warfare approach. The tunneling under the moat and laying explosives under the castle wall, the assassin in the dark, poison in the wine barrels approach. It creeps up so slowly and gradually, writhing around our ankles and coiling around our legs, that by the time we’re aware of it, it’s already too late and we’ve gone under.

I understand the Black’s preference for the full-frontal technique. She and I are in complete opposition to one another and we’d rather duke it out in person, so to speak. Clearly, she’s never won, but I have to concede she’s come pretty damn close a few times and I know I can’t ever afford to let my guard down whether she’s actively present or not. The arrival of the Warlock, which is still fairly recent, has forced me to amend my strategies somewhat.

The Warlock is sly. He’s a game player and trickster. An opportunist. He’s underhanded and dirty, if we’re honest. This is also, and I sincerely hope he’s listening, because he’s a coward. He hides behind the others and whispers in their ears and manipulates them, when he’s not masquerading as them to work out his own dirty agenda. He’s a recent addition to our number and whether he’s new or has only recently made his presence known, I can’t say for certain. But he’s there now and there’s no denying his influence.

I’ll have to leave it to Friend or Writer  to explain the dynamics of our company sometime, I’m not sure it’s either relevant right now or that I can explain it as well as they can, but suffice it to say we’ve been at war for a very long time and it’s a recent progression for me to have accepted the presence of some of the others as allies rather than as intrusions into my role as leader. We’ve been negotiating and during this process of negotiation, the Warlock and his companions Jealousy and the Bitch joined forces with the Black. I concede my mistake. I didn’t take them seriously enough and they blindsided me.

They took us under. One day, I suddenly woke up to realize we’d succumbed to the Abyss without my even knowing quite how we’d come to be there. Darkness swallowed us and the evidence was there all along; I simply failed to recognize it’s approach, much as fog creeps into a forest so that one moment you can still see your way ahead and the next you’re blind and lost. And then a random gust of wind snuffs out your lamp and you’re left standing in total darkness.

Which is where we’re at.

Looking at it from a tactical perspective, there’s no immediate enemy. There’s no single crisis to face, no obvious barricade to breach or opponent to overcome. There is only the fog. It smothers reason and bleeds motivation and drains energy and desire. It leaves us silent and broken and struggling for breath. It would have us retreat into nothingness and quit without a shot fired. Some of you will know immediately what I’m talking about. This is true depression. This is not sadness or bitterness or anger or frustration. It is literally nothing. And it creeps in without you knowing it’s happening until one day you simply wish you didn’t have to wake up at all; the space inside your head, the alternate version of your reality, becomes the preferable reality in which to remain. The real world ceases to either exist or hold any remaining attraction. You quit.

I refuse to permit us to quit!

In face-to-face conflicts with the Black, she would have us opt-out in a far more direct manner. She’s the one who will say, “It’s easy. There’s the knife. Use it.” That’s easier to deal with. It’s not only that I can see it and fight it but that I can call in reinforcements who also see it to fight it. This silent retreat is almost impossible to see and almost impossible to fight. Almost. The key to fighting this kind of war is one, awareness and two, determination. The bottom line is that we’re in it alone. Nobody can win the war for us. Sure, we can accept support and encouragement but, at the end of the day, the only way we’ll untangle the snare is to do it ourselves. WE have to fight ourselves free and WE have to want to or the war is over before its begun.

I can see now how it began. I can see how we’ve become worn down with all the crises we’ve faced and battles we’ve fought. It’s much easier to pick up the sword and engage than it is to stand sentry in the dark. Adrenalin wanes and inertia sets in and that’s the moment the silent invader slips a knife between your ribs. The Warlock almost had us. Almost! I’m on to him. We’re fighting back.

This isn’t going to be a quick recovery. It took us nearly seven months to slide this far and we’re not going to turn the tide in a night or a day or a week. Chances are, we’re going to push back one hard-won step at a time. There will be sweat, blood, and tears shed, if tears were part of our make-up, which they’re not. Moot. We won’t be back quick but we will be back. Count on it.